


Snake Clowns

by Merixcil



Category: Batman - All Media Types, The LEGO Batman Movie (2017)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-04
Updated: 2018-02-04
Packaged: 2019-03-13 19:48:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,962
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13577733
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Merixcil/pseuds/Merixcil
Summary: Batman's family were great, but they really sucked at helping him deal with the latest intruders to the Manor.





	Snake Clowns

Not to make a big deal out of it or anything, but Batman ran a pretty tight ship. And by ship, he meant house, and by ran he meant use his unbelievable master builder techniques to make sure that Wayne Manor always had the niftiest gadgets and that the décor was always the flavour of the month.

How could he not? Batman was the flavour of every month, he was something of a world-class trendsetter.

“Alfred, we need more cream carpets down by the swimming pool, and make sure to rebuild the west wing with gold bricks this time.” Batman laid out his plans for the day over breakfast, which he was having at six in the evening while reading yesterday’s papers. Dick and Babs were nowhere, which was just rude because they promised to grab coffee with him that morning.

Babs had left him a message saying that he was the rude one for standing her up. How was he supposed to know that when she said ten am she was being literal? Everyone winds up sleeping in most afternoons, he could hardly be blamed if she was out of touch with the concerns of the modern man.

“Of course, sir.” Alfred said, leaning in to retrieve the remnants of Batman’s fourth plate of pancakes. Can’t build abs without plenty of protein and Batman always made sure to buy protein enriched maple syrup.

So yeah, back to Batman and his tight ship. Everything seemed to be holding up nicely till Alfred left the room and he had to find something to do with himself until it was time for him to put on his suit and head out into the night to save Gotham from itself. He was just dreaming up a sick new riff to lay down in the studio when something started moving across the other side of room.

At first, all Batman really saw was the hole in the wall. In his wall. A hole. Not cool, bro. He worked hard making sure Alfred kept all the walls in one piece. Batman growled and went to inspect the damage, expecting to find one of Dick’s skateboards lying around – not that skateboard tricks in the house weren’t super fun but even Batman had to admit that they did maybe lead to accidents sometimes.

Only it wasn’t a skateboard problem. There was a whole panel missing from the runners. It wasn’t like anyone in the Manor to be so careless.

“Alfred?” Batman called, but the butler couldn’t hear him through this stupendously big house.

Something moved behind the panel, something black and white and giggly. Batman backed away with a manly squeal. He knew those stripes, that laugh. He had seen them in his nightmares.

Steeling himself just in case one of the many supervillains who haunted Gotham had snuck a camera into his dining room, Batman made sure to flex his arms as he brought them up to cover his mouth in shock. “Snake clowns!”

 

 

 

“Yeah. That’s not a thing.” Babs said when Batman told her about the snake clowns in the walls. He had seen then five more times in the two days since they showed up in the dining room and he was starting to get worried. The trouble was that Alfred and Dick were never in the room with him when they came by.

Nobody believed him. They all thought he was making it up. Which admittedly was fair as Batman did have a truly astonishing imagination, but also it showed a deep failing in all of them that they thought he was lying.

“I don’t have time for your foolish doubts!” Batman snapped. They were down in the cave, Babs telling him some unimportant nonsense about a dognapper the GCPD were trying to take down. “I need some of those spy things that let you hear what’s going on from three miles away but all of mine are broken.”

Babs raised an eyebrow. “Are they broken because you kept trying to use them to hear what the fish were saying in Gotham Bay and you kept sticking them underwater even though they’re not waterproof?”

“Never mind why they’re broken! And I’ll have you know that this city is in imminent danger of shark attack.

“This city is in imminent danger of losing all its pet dogs.”

Batman growled and pulled the photos of dog owners looking sad that Babs had brought with her into his lap. “Fine.”

“You really need to let this snake clowns thing go.”

 

 

 

When Batman got back from the sausage factory where all the dogs had been hiding out, away from their mean owners who refused to give them sausages, there was a lot of weird papery stuff all over his room. Which was strange, because Batman didn't read. It’s not that he couldn't read, but he already knew everything from every important book and story books were unnecessary when he lived a totally bombastic life that’s more exciting than any silly story.

“Dick, is this one of your pranks?”

Unlike Alfred, Dick rarely had anywhere better to be. He popped up at Batman’s elbow almost immediately, looking up at him with those adorable wide eyes. “Pranks? I haven’t tried to prank you.”

“Of course you wouldn’t. You’re a good boy, and good boys-“

“Good boys know that Batman is the best at pranks and you can never outprank him!” Dick finished, excitedly. “Hey, Padre. If you can never be outpranked, this can’t be a prank, right?”

“You’re absolutely right.” Batman replied, astonished. Being around him was really turning Dick into a fine detective. “Ok, so who do we know who would leave paper all over my room?”

“I was informed that there was a room in need of cleaning.” Alfred appeared at Batman’s other side, wearing his pyjamas and carrying a mop and bucket.

“Yeah! There’s loads of paper all over dad’s room.” Dick explained.

Alfred pushed past the both of them to get a better look at the damage. The paper was very funny, almost transparent and so brittle that it cracked under his hands. Whichever company was making the shoddy product ought to be investigated as a matter of urgency. Batman made a mental note to do just that.

“Sir, I don’t believe this is paper.” Alfred said, after a huge sheet of the stuff turned to dust when he picked it up.

Batman was baffled by the challenge to his deductions. “Not paper? What on Earth could it be if it’s not paper?”

“I believe that it’s, ah-“ Alfred paused to clear his throat. “Snake skin.”

Batman went rigid. Of course, the snake clowns! They had gotten into his house without anyone else noticing and now they were taunting him with their presence.

“Woah!” Dick leapt forward to get a look at the snake skin himself. “Grandpa, do you think maybe dad wasn’t lying about the snake clowns after all?”

Alfred rolled his eyes. “Absolutely not, master Dick. I’m sure there’s a perfectly rational explanation for this that doesn’t involve fictional reptiles.”

“I heard that!” Batman snapped. “Everyone, out of my room! Vigilante needs to go night, night.”

 

 

 

Batman had a plan to get rid of the snake clowns. It didn’t matter if none of his friends believed him, because even if he needed friends for some things like going to the cinema and enjoying a family dinner and not feeling alone on Christmas, there were some things that they were just awful at.

The plan was tricky, it was going to take all of Batman’s mental fortitude to get through it. He had spent the past week training himself to cope with the psychological strain of this next step, ignoring the snake skin that kept popping up in the Manor and the laughing in the walls that Alfred swore he couldn’t hear.

What did Alfred know? He was an old man, he was going deaf. And Dick needed those glasses because he was half blind, which can totally affect the ears as well. Babs just didn’t live with them so it was almost understandable that she had no idea what he was talking about.

Breathing deep to steady his nerves, Batman concentrated hard on the string of numbers that would unlock the path to success. Then he picked up the phone.

The line rang three times before someone picked up. “Hello! Joker residence, Harley Quinn speaking, how may I help?”

“I need to-“ Batman’s throat was closing up. Blast! Why was talking on the phone so hard? “I need to speak to The Joker.”

“Hmm, see, that’s gonna be tricky.” Harley Quinn replied. “He’s a very busy man, I dunno if he can fit you in.”

“Will you just please see if he’s free to talk?”

“I mean, I can ask.”

“Yes. Please. Ask.”

“Can I take a name.”

“It’s Batman.” Batman told her in his deepest, growliest voice that he hoped disguised how itchy his palms were.

The sound of Harley Quinn scribbing something down on the other end of the line preceeded complete silence. Batman sat in the dark of his study, holding his breath as he waited for a rpely.

It took far too long, surely. If Batman was The Joker’s receptionist, he’d be able to relay messages much faster than this.

Harley Quinn slipped back onto the phone. “You’re in luck Mister B! Boo Boo wants to talk. Just gimme a moment to transfer you.”

The hold music Batman was subjected to while he waited to be reconnected was pretty cool. He might just call Harley back sometimes to see if she could give him the name of the song. Something about waking someone up before they go-go.

“Batman!” Joker squealed when he picked up. When he started laughing Batman could hear his sharp teeth gnashing on the other end of the line. “You know, I was just thinking about calling you the other day. What can I do you for?”

“I need-“ Steady, easy, it was just a question it wasn't a big deal or anything. “I need a favour.” Batman told him from between gritted teeth.

“Well, I don’t see why I can’t help out my old worst pal. What ails you, enemy?”

“I have an infestation.” Batman explained. “Of snake clowns.”

Joker let out a low whistle. “Boy, I do not envy you. We had some of them back in the old warehouse. Funny thing was, no one else believed me, they all thought I was making them up.”

“Why would you make up snake clowns?” Batman asked, enraged about it all over again.

“I know, right?” Joker’s sounded exasperated. “Anyway, good news for you is I found an exterminator who can totally deal with them. One strike and they’re out.”

Relief washed through Batman. “That sounds perfect. What’s the number?”

He took down the number that Joker read out to him and he maybe got distracted for five or thirty minutes when the clown started telling him about a circus act he had seen the night before. Circuses were obviously stupid but Batman thought that this one sounded like maybe it was sort of fun.

“And then the ringmaster- Oh wait, gotta dash. Sorry Bats.” Joker sounded genuinely upset to cut the call short.

“It’s cool, no biggie.” Batman told him, expertly disguising his own disappointment. “We can catch up the next time I throw you into Arkham.”

“I’d like that.”

Joker hung up and Batman went to dial the number for the exterminator the clown had recommended. Some company called Scarecrow Scares-a-Lot that would supposedly menace the snake clowns away.

Something rustled through the walls, laughing. If this exterminator didn’t work, Batman was going to demand Joker come out here personally to get rid of the pests.

**Author's Note:**

> Hello I have liked Batman for one whole year and this is what I wrote to celebrate that fact


End file.
